Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Ostrich


There’s no putting it off, no burying your head in the sand.  It’s time.

Reach into the back of the narrow cupboard, scrabble determinedly among the boxes of forgotten essentials – those things you swore you couldn’t live without, ten years ago; untouched since then, save in the cause of this one annual mission.

No, no you don’t want them – the sandwich toaster is probably too rusty to be considered hygienic now, those surgical stockings have a vaguely unsavoury air, and the  collapsible Zimmer frame – well, that never was a good idea.

No, these boxes, these deeply buried caskets of history; these are what you seek.  Entombed within them are the recorded embarrassments of a decade, the memories of a generation.

Out they must come, regardless of strained shoulders, moted eyes or shattered nerves:  out, damned reindeer onesie with the indelible stain of wine; out, festive sweater with the moth- perforated sleeves!  Let the dusty sepulchres disgorge their gold and silver glittery guts and the green and tangled wires display their tiny coloured bulbs for one more desperate, plaintive display.  Bring forth the coloured balls, the battered seraphim with their trumpets bent, the dangly gleamers and the strangly streamers.

It is Christmas.

The halls must be decked with holly, the windows sprayed with sticky snow.  The innocent spruce you murdered in its infancy must be nailed to that special piece of wood left in the garden by mistake.  Woodlice, unhomed, seeking cover beneath your couch must wait for the plate of minced pies laid carelessly upon the floor.   Impaled now, the tree’s sad corpse shall be shrouded in precious colours and gaily flickering lights, and though it may be no more than a skeleton by the Great Day, only sad needles piled about its feet will bear witness to its decomposition.

The fairy, of course, is greatest and last.  Poor Gladys, though.   Strapped by her knickers each year for twenty years to as many different treetops, will her stoicism survive another season of goodwill?

As you perform the ritual do you catch her eye, are you touched by a savourimagesBDDUCP91 of her suffering? You wonder, does she share your festive spirit?

Yet custom must be observed:  your tree bejewelled before the speculative eye of the cat, food prepared before the ravenous dreamings of the dog.   Ladders must be climbed, curses uttered, A & E Departments attended. all in the name of the Winterfest, and there is no alternative, save social ostracism and offspring misery.  Stomachs may grumble, purses may squeak and balloons may pop;  you may even need a second mortgage, but you must conform.  You must endure ten hours of  Grandpa’s explanation of chaos theory  as it affects brussels sprouts, Grandma’s nostalgic belief that things were better ‘in the war’, cousin Tom’s vicious racism and Sister-in Law Bernice’s outrageous capacity for Sangria.   Yes, it is Christmas!

And when the day is past – when the tree lies where Grandpa fell on it, the dog has returned most of its turkey titbits to the Persian rug and Bernice has finally stopped snoring:  when that ludicrously expensive early learning toy stands neglected in a corner while your youngest is upstairs playing happily with the box –

“He’ll grow into it.”

When Tom’s fourth Def Leppard CD has at last run its course, then you can relax upon the dry part of your couch and be satisfied you have done your part.  You might spare a thought for Gladys thankfully limping back into obscurity, but your dreams will be all of repacking boxes.

Compliments of the season, everyone!


18 responses to “Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Ostrich”

  1. We’ll be hauling out those boxes this weekend! Oddly enough, my teen sons don’t find the process as fun as they used to, now that they realize there’s work involved. 😉


    1. Yes the moment is upon us. I know I will be called upon – for some reason I am considered better equipped to face down those other inhabitants; those large, eight-legged inhabitants, of the cupboard! Should I not return, think only this of me…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. That was a jolly jaunt through your festive season!


    1. Well, I suppose there is an up side…


  3. As I read this post, I am preparing to dive into the depths of my storage cabinet to retrieve Christmas. Ah, yes, sounds like someone has put on the Christmas CDs.


  4. Ah, those Christmas CDs! Personally, I would have had Rudolph painlessly destroyed before he ever got the chance to develop that damned red nose…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Beautiful words and although it is work, if we allow ourselves, we may feel the joy and love of the season. Merry Christmas!


    1. My friend Ebenezer and I will huddle in a dark recess somewhere until all this extraneous frivolity and needless gaiety has passed. Bah, humbug! I don’t really mean it, you know….

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Well, Fred, I am a Christmas sap….one of those people who positively love digging out the decorations and trimming the tree, ever caught up in the festiveness and the merriment of the season. Love, love, love Christmas! What can I say other than have a very merry one! 🙂


    1. Oh, well, what can I say? It seems I can’t depress all of the people all of the time. At least I tried! Have a very happy Christmas, Mae!

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Another good read which I enjoyed as it struck a humorous and harmonious cord. Your writing is evocative – I enjoyed meeting your Christmas visitors who came to life in this piece. As for the harmonious cord, it’s not that I dislike Christmas it is just that I like my home uncluttered and clean; and those pesky needles get everywhere! This year our children are off with their in-laws and we escape the obligatory decorating. It will be quiet but we are looking forward to a special time for just the two of us. Dan can even turn on the Christmas lights on the back patio which he never took down after last year’s celebration!.


    1. It really isn’t all bad, is it? I quite enjoy Christmas really. One of my sons is offering us Christmas dinner at his home this year, which will make it the first Christmas we haven’t done the entertaining. That means that Sylvia and I will also get some less pressured time to ourselves. Happy Christmas!


  8. Totally off topic. I love that you have a bunny photo below the alien photo. Makes me smile.


  9. Your Christmas missive is charming and oh too true!! Thanks for the smile and realization of how negligent I am this year not doing a thing. Although, I am in charge of cooking this year at my parents’ Christmas. So all my stuff will be forlorn and lonely this year tucked way in their boxes. Now I feel guilty…resolved but guilty!!!!


    1. Thank you – although the last thing I intended was to make anyone feel guilty! Especially if you are cooking for your parents, well done! I recall offering to cook my first wife’s parents once, but she wouldn’t let me buy the petrol.


  10. No decorations here, Frederick. No kids around so we don’t bother any more.


    1. Oh Linda! Never mind, I trust you have given a home to your retired fairy. After so many years of selfless service…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Never did have a fairy, Frederick. It used to be a star. 🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.